Lock Downer

It’s no longer April

The home-schooling has taken a decisive turn for the worse, mummy is feeling trapped, neither child or parent are getting outside which is really fucking with our mental health. A vicious round of negativity circles through my head: get outside you’ll both feel better - don’t feel up to it. Get outside you’ll both feel better - can’t get the motivation, get outside you’ll both feel better - I’m basically rubbish at parenting. 

The Scream - Edvard Munch ©Tate

Both mine and Erbies physical demeanour is noticeably degenerating, along with our posture, as our middles expand and our shoulders slouch, we move from bed to desk. One day we spend over an hour just trying to log onto a virtual exercise book for a lesson. It is frustrating beyond words with no reward. For one lesson, Erbie concludes, apparently wrongly, that The Metamorphosis by Kafka is about mental health not being recognised in 1915 as Gregor Samsa had a nervous breakdown. This he is told is incorrect, it is an essay on communism. 

The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

By the end of the week, I am starting to lose water from my eyes, not something I’m prone to do. Hot, salty tears creep out every time I get a moment of solitude. I snap at Erbie to make more of an effort. I start sleeping, a lot, at lunchtime, in the afternoon, as soon as I get into bed at night. I wake at 5am. The 3 year old packet of Prozac in the medicine cabinet is winking at me. I swerve Zoom meet-ups, silence phone calls and socially distance myself from texts. I fill in the online government forms incorrectly and panic. 

TheBelleMere sends another shopping list for gin, coffee, wine, tonic and loo roll.

I swear a lot in my head and quite a lot outside of it. The kettle blows up, I flick the switch off at the socket as sparks fly and a tiny flame flickers from its base.  

Thankfully TheGR steps in and starts taking Erbie out for a morning walk/run around the local wood, (yes there is a wood literally over the road and we still hadn’t made it out). Erbie charts his daily PE and the morning walk has gone from a 2 to a 5, on the point system of enjoyment, 5 being 'great fun'. 

We go for a family walk. Plants are delivered for the garden I maintain. I go to my allotment and re-pot stuff, I make a card as a favour for Annie and she pays me in Booja Bouja truffles and Whispering Angel. 

Whispering Angel rosé

Booja Booja dairy-free chocolate truffles
https://www.boojabooja.com/chocolate-truffles/collections/new-the-wonderbox/

Erbie had an online audition. My lily of the valley blooms. The sun comes out. Debs invites me for a socially distanced glass of wine and I accept. They have tadpoles.